♥ Tweets.Pei Huan writes ♥

I need someone to teach me what to do now...how should I do now....I feel so lost and confused...suddenly everything seems to be so terrifying and out of my mind...I feel so lonely suddenly....Like I have nobody.....

Why does it turn out like this? who can I trust, who can I not trust...What is the real story? What is the truth? I do not want to play this game anymore...I cannot take it...All I ever wanted is you, and a happy love story of my own...But why things seem to get more complicated...and scary...

Can I trust you? Suddenly I don't trust anything around me anymore...I feel like a mouse, with traps anywhere & everywhere...I feel people around me are so scary...Seems like all of them are trying to con and use your feelings to get the things they want...

Please tell me I can trust you!!! I feel I am going crazy soon! This whole thing is MAD!!! Everyone around me seems to be two-faced...I just wanna run away...run away from everything...all these drama, chaos....

Are you hiding something from me? Is there something I ought to know? Who am I to you? Will u ditch me or hurt me just to teach him a lesson? will you rather hurt me so u can show her what is he like in truth? Will u just forget me to be with her just for the sake he wont get her? If so, in the end, who am I? Just a joke?? *laugh bitterly*

I feel so useless...so friendless...so lost now....I just wanna hide myself from everything....I just wanna get drunk because I dont know what I can do now.....

Fuck the whole world...This world is a fucked up place!!!!!!!!! I do not know who is real anymoreeeeeeee!!! Can someone tell me?

I wanna hide...where nobody can find me.....just hide. myself away...so I wont be harmed..so I am safe....

Those vivid images still keep replaying in my mind, fear, uneasy, sadness swallowed me...I hate nightmares...They make me feel so fragile and sometimes I woke up, with such a heavy heart, sometimes with a tear-streaked face.

The nightmares I had before were never like these days. So vivid, so real that is so terrifying. I woke up with all the images imprinted in my mind. With my heart feeling a piece is missing. The images, like a video recording, replaying in this corner of my mind, without stopping. I hate sleeping these days, explaining the insomnia and the migraine, reality seems to be happier than dream lately.

Every time I drift into a light sleep, you appear...for four continuous days. Those dreams are always the same, you staring at me, so cold & hard, your face masked with this cruelness. I am like a stranger to you. You turning away from me, walking away from me without looking back. You walking past me when we bump into each other, totally ignoring me. Me crying, running off hoping you will chase after me, but all I get is disappointment. How I stand in the middle of your living room, totally invisible, looking at the happy moments btw you and her....The laughter, the love and the bond.

Why am I dreaming all these? A sense of insecurity? Of fear? Or is it a hint from God to me? I had nightmares before, but never like this, it scares me. My heart thumping, my head throbbing, migraine hits me three days straight. Nothing seems to cure it.

I need you so desperately, I need a hug from you, just a hug to tell me everything is fine. A kiss on my forehead, you holding my hands while watching me fall asleep, letting me know everything will be all right. It hurts me so so much when I realize all these are just my hopes, because it will never happen...I still have to learn to face my fear, to be a big girl, be independent, because you can never be beside me anytime when I need you...at least not for the time being...I understand, because you are confused yourself...It is time for me to grow up...

Took a nap just now after a tiring trip from Darwin. I think I miss you too much, or the insecure feelings that's burdening me, I feel you are hugging me to sleep, oh my, it feel so so so real that I don't wish to wake up, forever. I feel so loved and so safe. I truly feel you are right beside me. But the next minute, reality seems to hit my dream. It suddenly occurs to me you did not look for me since yesterday.

Can you stop all these nightmares for me? I feel so tired mentally and physically. My migraine is getting worst everyday. But, I promise you. I will never ever post emotional status on my MSN anymore, I know it affects your mood. And that is the last thing I ever want to happen.

I went to shower, and you went offline. I was bewildered, what happened?

You told me you are not in the mood. Sorry. Sigh, you got me worried my dear, what happen to you? I just want you to know I am always here for you. Ready to listen, to hug n comfort you, to just stay by your side...so pls, dun be sad alone. You are never alone...How I wish I could hug you right now, & tell you everything will be fine. I will be strong..I won't be a crybaby anymore, nor a burden for you. No matter what, I have promise myself whenever I see you, I want to be ur happiness, the girl that cheers you up despite anything that happen. To be someone you feel at ease with, laugh heartily & loudly without any stress.

Come to realize, for the past 2 months, we are all stuck in this situation where none of us are truly happy. Happiness are so brief that I begin to cherish every happy moments deeply. Most of the moments consist of you. Behind every sincere happiness, are those endless stress and confusion that awaits us...to ponder, to think, to decide...Julia once told me, I do not know how to love. If I truly understand the meaning of true and great love, I shall leave, so I do not have to put you through the painfulness and confusion of choosing. If I truly love you, I will leave to unload your burden. Should I? I am confuse now...

I sincerely hope to tell you, if it was me that caused you all that unhappiness, I am deeply sorry and I am regretting it. I promise, no more emo status-es no more tears.

Please please please be happy my dear...That is all I ask and pray for~

♥ ♥ ♥

我想有个人 ------

我想有个人，能够经常对我微笑；

我想有个人，能够经常跟我说说心里话；

我想有个人，能够珍惜我们在一起的每分每秒；

我想有个人，能在我孤独无助的时候陪在我身边；

我想有个人，知道心疼我；

我想有个人，能够陪我一起看细水长流……

被人思念是一种幸福，思念别人是一种温馨。

It has been awhile for me to update so frequently. I am never a daily blogger. But, somehow, lately, I am starting to love this space of mine. Unknown in a way since I no longer declare nor publicize my blogging passion anymore. Hence, it is an ultimate good thing because this only means I have zero readers and I can blab anything I like here.

My own space where for once, I can let the words in my mind flow on the keyboard. I love writing. It frees my mind and I feel peace within me after I pour my entire emotions into words. May sound silly to a lot people out there, but lets just say this is my passion. Writing.

Am currently in Darwin. Alone in my hotel room. Since I have nothing to do. I write. I am at this point of my life where I realize distance is ideal btw two people. It is better to wear a mask to face people around you. And never ever reveal too much emotions or thoughts about yourself.

It still amazes me how simple things bout me or some teeny weeny confessions from me, can turn into this great bombastic rumor that totally blew me off. I never ever claim I am a rich bitch, nor announce to the whole world how incredible intelligent I am, never assume I am dead gorgeous, moreover thinking that a swarm of guys idolize me!!!

Where the hell all these ridiculous ideas appear from, I have no idea. But, I certainly have to praise myself. *pats head* I could say it is a great job done. Good performance by me. I no longer cry over such rumors, I have accepted that crying over things like tat merely prove how weak of a person you are. (and silly too). So, screw the tears and those depression moments. If you want me to answer honestly, am i affected by these rumors? I would be lying if I said no. But, what more can I do? Slap those ppl for their immense creativity? That is childish.

Hence, I put on a brave smile, keep my chin up high, and announce I don't give a damn!!! BUT, sometimes I will wonder during those sleepless nights. Am I really like that? Nevertheless, I start to doubt my behavior. It must be something I have done that trigger these rumours? No?

And another thing that never stop to amaze me, is it any business of you, you and you how I am dealing with my love life? It is freaking annoying not to mention, bimbotic when I hear comments from people around me. How well do u know me may I ask? I am a third party. I never deny that fact. But how well do u know my story? Are YOU even a part of my story? tsk tsk tsk......
For once, I beg you guys, let us deal with our own stuff. I am stressed enough, and all these crude comment and snide remarks are not helping at all! You guys are just making things more complicated, more misunderstanding and causing unnecessary stress to people I love. I would sincerely appreciate it a lot with just a kind 'Hope you are fine' or just a brief hug. That will help heapsssss~~~

I want to put all these behind me so so so badly. I never asked for all these drama. All I ever wanted is to be with him, someone that I came to love and care a lot. I just want my own simple love story. From the very very beginning, it is never ever my intention to hurt anyone. Can't you guys see I am so stressed out already? I know I hurt her, I know I am a bitch/slut whatever...I know karma is going to hit me.

But aint that still btw three of us? Sometimes, it annoys me to an extend where I have this crazy urge to look him in the eye and just scream, can I just have an answer now for Gods sake???!!! I am trying my very best to be calm, happy & understanding. I am already suffocating from it. I may just break down anytime!!! I have long bid farewell to my never ending emo-ness to ppl around me, especially him. I just wanna have some peace.

So, please leave me aloneeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! Go gossips someone else!!! *arghhh*

学会爱自己 ------

我们都不是很完美的人，但我们要接受不完美的自己。

在孤独的时候，给自己安慰；在寂寞的时候，给自己温暖。

学会独立，告别 依赖，对软弱的自己说再见。

生活不是只有温暖，人生的路不会永远平坦，

但只要你对自己有信心，懂的珍惜自己，

世界的一切不完美，

你都可以坦然面对。

没有枯涩的泪水，

也没有遗憾，

离去的人根本不知道那即将是一场告别。

带着微笑远离，是最幸福的一种离别。

所有的不舍，留给等待的那个人。

一天将尽，离别之后，明日我们还会相见吗？

明日，也许是天涯之遥。

一个人的旅行，应该不错吧。。。。

去到一个陌生的地方，逃避一阵子吧

远离一切。。。

没有人懂你的感受。责骂。好。你都必须承受。

没有人心疼你的脆弱。因为你是后到的女人。你是开错的花朵。

你想逃。可是逃不出他的心。

你永远看不清自己的位置。

你必须把自己压低。不露声色。

唯一的蔷薇。不着调。直到自己凋谢。无人知晓。

总是觉得自己抽烟自在。可是谁知道你伤到比肺还深的心脏。

把任何都当做他了吗。自己的手臂。当做他的。好温暖。

在镜子中发现是自己最坏。

永远不能抬头的卑微。或者在等待一个抬头的瞬间。光芒四溢。

一个人的冬天总是那么冷。心里面想想他吧。会变得很温暖。但是手心还是冷的。

似乎总是期待什么事情降临。却总等不到他来。

衣橱是最好的栖息地。没有他的味道。可以自己一个人哭泣。

你只是个第三者啊。宝贝。你没有什么资格绚烂。

总是觉得时间好慢。永远等不到他吗。你困了，但是你睡不着。

混乱。伤痛。把自己弄疯了。你累不累。

他送的礼物就变成了每天的依靠。你抱着会哭对吧。

你每天都在想。想他在做什么。一万个思念化成天上的雨。

回头看到的永远都是短信里面的那个人。

你总是说酒精麻醉了。心就不痛了。可是还是那么艰难的说着谎。

得到了他的心。可是你依然得不到他的人。

听到什么。想到什么。都是来自一个人。可是那个人并不属于你啊。

一丝的安静都是自己的施舍。

纯色的世界永远有颗嘈杂脆弱的心。你不要被他知道。

有时候是不是觉得你错了。你伤害了那个女人。

你快被焦虑弄疯了。

可是你还是坚定。明明知道。没有人心疼你的无助。

9 Roses means Eternal Love...

But, in reality,

Eternal Love seems to be so so far away from me~

有人告诉我鱼的记忆只有7秒，

7秒之后它就不记得过去的事情，

一切又都变成新的。

所以，在那小小的鱼缸里鱼儿，永远不会感到无聊。

我宁愿是只鱼，

7秒一过就什么都忘记，

曾经遇到的人，

曾经做过的事

都可以烟消云散，可我不是鱼。

无法忘记我爱的人，

无法忘记牵挂的苦无法忘记相思的痛...

我的痛，只有我自己懂，

总是喜欢在如此孤独的夜里，翻起过去，

那些被自己深埋心底的往事，

得到的，拥有的，失去的，

有种恍然如梦的感觉。

一直都很明白，自己是不该沉迷于过去的。

其实，我是害怕深夜的，会有一种无尽的寂寞袭向我；

我却又喜欢深夜，

因为只有周围漆黑一片，

我和我的泪才是安全的。

And so here I am once again....After so so long...Guess I just need a space of my own to write my out my thoughts...

It's November already...Time flies...Especially when you are encountering so much dramas, those never-ending gossips & chaos...

To summarize my life for the past few months.

- I am single now. Yes, I broke up. The End. Don't bother asking anymore questions, cos to be honest, I cant be bothered to answer them.

- I am encountering some relationship problems now. Maybe this explains why I am back here too. I just need a space for my to release my thoughts and spill my heart.

- I can say that, I grew up alot in the past few months. I see & judge ppl around me better. Or you could say I see the true colours of alot 'friends' around me.

- I have come to the conclusion that I miss my old group of friends in Melbourne tremendously lots! Less drama, less misunderstanding & backstabbing. I've come to appreciate them as my true friends.

-I am spending alot of alone time lately. Mostly just reading books, watching dramas, going online, cooking...etc. It makes me cherish certain elements and ppl in my life more and I sincerely do enjoy being alone and doing my own things for once. Yes, I do get lonely sometimes but, you could say I rather feel lonely than facing those complicated issues and two faced people outside. I only hang out with those very very few friends nowadays, but, I AM happy. In a way.

- I realise I always re-blog when I am emo. Or going through this 'phase' in my life. And just wondering, maybe I should privatise my blog.

- I FREAKING gained weight!!! Not just 1-2 kgs mind you!!! *big big sigh~*




Shall update more~